Reflections

Sept 2024

Reflections on Grief: Navigating Loss and Finding Light

The past two years have been a whirlwind of emotions related to aging parents and loss. In what felt like the blink of an eye, my father and my mother-in-law both passed away after significant lengthy illnesses.  As a therapist, and highly sensitive person, I have found myself fascinated by the process that myself and those around me are going through. Grief is such a strange and unpredictable thing. It doesn’t follow a neat timeline or a well-ordered path. It comes in waves, sometimes gentle, other times crashing over you with a force that leaves you breathless. So many factors infl uence how the process unfolds and what the impact is. Relationship, length of illness, compounded loss, and more, seem to be influencing factors. And that’s one of the hardest parts of grief— as you think you’re getting a handle on it, it shifts, and the pang of loss hits all over again.

Losing someone brings up so many memories. You can find yourself dwelling on the moments shared—some happy, some frustrating, some mundane. It may be moments of lost opportunity to change the relationship, make amends, or to say things that were left unsaid. One loss may feel quieter than another, but it lingers regardless, especially in those moments when those you surround yourself with is missing a crucial piece. It’s strange how diff erent kinds of grief can coexist within you, each carving out its own space.

I’ve realized that grief is as much about love as it is about loss. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. The greater the space someone fi lled in your life, the greater the gap that is left when they are gone. And while there are moments when that grief feels unbearable, remind yourself that it’s a refl ection of the depth of the connection. In some ways, grief is love with nowhere to go. But slowly through the process one may find that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Start finding ways to carry their memories with you, to weave them into my life so that they’re still present in some small way.  Talk about them often, sometimes even when it feels a little painful.  Share their stories, their lessons, the things they loved.  Learn to hold onto the joy they brought into your life, even as you navigate the sorrow of their absence.

Grief has also taught me to be gentler with myself. I often hear from clients that they feel like they should be “further along” in their healing. But the truth is, there’s no timeline for grief. Some days are harder than others, and that’s okay.

Some people will feel guilt for the sense of relief that comes when their loved one has passed after a lengthy illness, or they may question why they aren’t carrying deeper sadness. Its important to feel whatever you are feeling, without judgment or expectation. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

One thing that has surprised me is the way grief has deepened my sense of gratitude. These two recent losses were my first experience with losing anyone close to me. Losing them has made me more aware of the fragile, fleeting nature of life. It’s a reminder to be more present, more appreciative of the small moments with those I love.  I’ve started holding those moments a little tighter, knowing how quickly they can slip away.

If you’re reading this and walking through your own grief, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s messy and unpredictable and sometimes feels unbearable, but you’re not alone. Support through therapy, a support group, or simply a loving friends’ ear may off er additional support and a reminder that you don’t have to navigate this alone. There’s no right way to grieve, no roadmap to follow. But there is love to hold onto, and slowly, ever so slowly, that love begins to soften the edges of the pain.

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